October 8, 2008 Looking Back

Someone on another site where I also post my blog made an interesting comment about thinking when she met her WW goals, her life would be so much better, and she'd be so happy. It got me to thinking about MY past experience with this sort of thinking.
Years ago, when I lost a ton of weight on Optifast, I got down to 167 (for about 30 minutes.) I honestly believed that when I lost weight, my life would be perfect, or at least close. Guys would be lined up at the door, I'd have tons of great friends, everything would go the way I wanted it to. This was the story I'd heard all my life! I could have it ALL, if I just lost weight.
Imagine how I felt when I realized I'd been lied to by the people I trusted most in the world (parents, grandparents, etc). I was devestated. I felt totally betrayed. And on top of that, I was MISERABLE! I was so afraid to regain the weight that I became anorexic for awhile, and then bulemic. Actually ended up in rehab for eating disorders for 6 weeks! After that was when I got down to 167. I was in a major depression, the worst I've ever experienced. I spent 4 weeks hospitalized for depression--when I went in I was like a zombie, I couldn't function. I couldn't choose clothes to wear, what to eat, nothing. They changed my antidepressant and over time it got better. I gained 40 pounds in there!
When I came out was when I met my then future husband (now the ex). I was at a VERY vulnerable place emotionally, so my defenses were way down, or I'd probably not have given him a second glance. The rest, as they say, is history.
This time around, I'm not losing weight for anyone except ME. I know it will not make everything in my life perfect. It certainly won't make my kids behave any better!! The thing is, I FEEL better! WAY better! And that alone makes me happier. And more confident. My life still isn't perfect, but I wouldn't trade lives with anyone else!!