August 13, 2008 Reflections

I've been home a week. I have lost 3 pounds. I am tired.

For some reason, I'm having a hard time getting back on program after my trip. My food isn't bad, as evidenced by the weight loss. But I'm sort of floundering about wondering what to eat. And I find I have to drag myself to the gym, avoiding the excuses I give myself for skipping a workout. OK, yes, I've been crazy busy. Unpacking, getting the kids home from camp, catching up on mail, bills, and email, shopping so the fridge isn't empty. But these things do NOT take up my entire day! Even when you throw in writing my trip report and getting my pictures organized and printed, there's still plenty of hours in the day. So, what's up?

I have been so totally committed, and now I'm not. It's more like I'm going through the motions, but my heart isn't in it. I have a theory. When I started this journey, it was all about Scotland. I was going, I wasn't gonna miss out on things becuase I was too fat and out of shape to get around. I was going to lose a bunch of weight, get in shape, and go enjoy the trip of a lifetime. Well, I DID all those things! I lost 71 pounds, increased my endurance tremendously, and had a blast in Scotland. And now, it's over. Post-vacation letdown? Maybe, but I think it's more than that. I had a goal, something to work towards. It was really important to me, so I worked my tail off (literally!) for 7 months. I reached all the goals I set for myself, and then some. So, what do I do for an encore? What's the goal now? What's the "carrot", so to speak? Hmmm.

Well, I have to have my left knee re-replaced in January, and the doctor wants me under 200 pounds. Wow. How exciting is THAT? Somehow it just doesn't pack the same wallop as a trip to Scotland! There just isn't anything on the horizon that can motivate me the way this trip did. So I guess the question is, can I get my mojo back WITHOUT having something big and exciting to prepare for? I don't have a clear answer, but I'd guess it should be "yes". After all, losing weight and getting healthy is it's own reward, right? Getting in good shape for surgery is certainly important. Not to mention all the smaller clothes I'll get to wear. But is it enough? Is it sufficient to repel the "oh, heck, I'll just have a little" moments? Will it get me up and moving and going to the gym? Will it be a priority in my life? I suppose only time will tell how this all plays out. In the meantime, "fake it til' you make it" comes to mind. If I just keep on doing what I have been doing, regardless of how I'm feeling about it, the results should speak for themselves. I just hope they have something REALLY exciting to say!