October 5, 2008 My Epiphany

OH MY GOSH!!! I just had a total "come to Jesus" moment! An epiphany. An "a-HA!" thing.
I blogged yesterday about the evil saltine cracker dessert. Well, today started out well enough, ate a proper breakfast, had Wendy's chili for lunch on the way to pick apples. Picked 83 pounds of apples and dragged them up to the scales to weigh and pay. Now THAT was some serious exercise!
I came home, did my usual stuff, and was fine. I had a bowl of fruit salad. A few hours later, I was preparing to go to a conference at church, which would go through dinner time, so I had some more fruit salad to hold me over. All this was planned and logged.
For some reason, something snapped then. I ended up havng two "Sandwich Thins" which are like rolls only very thin, like thin sliced bread. One with butter, the other with strawberry cream cheese. Why? Because I was wanting the bread! OK, so I'm thinking, PMS. Makes sense, craving carbs.
Off to the conference, and at the break, there's fruits, veggies, chips, pastries, some other stuff. Last week I had some fruit and veggies. This week I had some fruit (which was extra because I did NOT plan for or log it) and then decided to have some chips. Just one bag of plain SunChips, 210 calories, but again, NOT planned or logged.
When I got home, I heated up my dinner. But instead of 2 T of cheese on my tortilla soup, I had closer to 1/2 CUP. And I didnt' measure out my tortilla chips, I just spread them on a plate (more than the 15 I had planned), and covered them with MORE cheese to make "nachos". AND I ate a few bites of my son's pizza.
WHY DID I DO THIS???????????????????
And then, as I sit down at my computer, it hit me. The REAL reason why I am doing this, which probably has NOTHING to do with PMS.
I am afraid of succeeding. I am 2.5 pounds away from ONEDERLAND. And I'm scared to death that I'm actually going to get there. And soon.
Why on earth should I be afraid of something that I want so badly? Something that is good for me? Something I've been working REALLY hard for?
Because if I get there, if I'm "thin", then I lose who I have been most of my life. The fat girl. Those layers of fat did alot more than keep me warm in the winter. They kept people at arms length. No one got close to me. No one. Not my family. Not my friends. Not even my husband. (hmmmm, wonder why he's my ex now??) If no one got close, no one could hurt me. So while I craved love, was desperate to be loved and accepted, would do anything, become anyone, if someone would only love me--I was pushing away anyone and anything who might actually do just that.
Now, I am NOT saying that no one loves me. Plenty of people do. These brave, hardy souls have managed to push through the barriers I put up around me, and get in close enough to love me. And some of them I have allowed to do that, but not many. The risk was too great. If I let you in, you can know me, and in knowing me, you will know how horrible I am. Becuase I am, you know. I am the worst person the world has every seen. At least, that's what I thought of myself. For a long, long time, that's really what I believed!
By God's grace, I know that I am a valuable and worthy person. Far from perfect, but I have alot to offer. As my BFF would say, I'm quite a catch! But to let people close to me is to risk letting them hurt me. And that's scary stuff. It's easier to keep everyone at arm's length, and not take the risk.
Thats' sort of the beauty of the internet. I have online friends who only see what I let them see. it's safe. it's comfortable. It's also very fulfilling! Without all my inhibitions, I can be who I really am--funny, caring, friendly, crazy ME! And my weight doesn't matter here, not a bit.
But in the real world? Expectations of fat people are just different. I've always known what was expected of me. Now I'm not so sure anymore. What role will I need to play? Who will I need to be? Of course, the answer is: I need to be ME! I do NOT have to play a role, I just have to be myself. but that means taking that risk. what if who I am isn't good enough? what if I'm not acceptable?
I WANT to take that risk! I WANT to be who I am, and let people see the real me. I really do WANT to! I'm just a little (ok, a LOT) scared about exactly how to go about doing it, without losing myself in the process. Maybe I'm putting the brakes on a little, holding off on that whole ONEderland thing. Heck, maybe it's just an excuse for eating too much of the wrong things. I don't know, really.
OK, this is all getting a little deep and philisophical, so I am just going to stop. And think. ALOT. About where I'm going and what exactly I'm going to do when I get there. And I WILL get there. Maybe not this week, but soon. Sooner than I may feel ready. But deep inside, I AM ready. Ready to face the world and let my light shine. Ready to be who I AM, NOT who someone else thinks I should be.
I am Wendy. I am a mother, daughter, sister, friend. I am funny, kind, friendly, sensitive, generous, silly, smart, brave, strong, successful, interesting, honest, sincere, and I AM good enough. I AM ENOUGH!