June 10, 2008 Random Musings

I said goodbye to the 230s today! At 228.4, I am only 6 pounds heavier than my "skinny" sister! (OK, she's not skinny anymore, but growing up, she was ALWAYS the skinny one) So I've passed my July 1st goal of 230 about 3 weeks early! I also realized that if I lose just one pound per week for the rest of this year, I'll spend New Year's in ONEderland!!!! Now THAT would ROCK!!! Best of all, my BMI is now 39.1, so I am no longer morbidly obese!!!!
I cleaned out my closet this past weekend. I am horrified when I see the amount of clothing I had, and rarely wore. The size range was pretty big--some was too big when I started this, but most has just recently gotten too big. Now my closet is practically empty! I have only a few things in there that don't fit. A couple pair of pants that are really close, my old kilt that I've NEVER worn (it was always too small), and the grey Laura Ashley suit. Everything else in there I can wear right now. It feels good not to have any more "fat clothes"!
Today, our kilts for Scotland arrived. I was a bit nervous that it would be too big, since I've lost several inches since I ordered it 2 months ago. But it is perfect! There is also still a good bit of "shrinking' I can do and still be able to adjust it down to fit me. So maybe I'll at least get this Christmas out of it. I'm wondering if maybe I could have elastic sewn inside the waistband to make it even smaller at that point. Guess we'll see. Anyway, I looked in the mirror and I was amazed. I really look quite slim in this kilt! At least from the side. From the front I look good too. I wish it was about 2-3 inches longer, but it's OK. I hope Mom and Deb find theirs fit as well as mine. I also found a nice pair of navy slingbacks to wear with it, so I'm all set. I'm going to check out some knee high stockings--my legs have shrunk enough that there is actually some definition at the top of the calf, so I may be able to wear them and keep them up!
I saw the gastroenterologist today. Talk about a waste of time and gas! I was there an hour after my appointment time before he called me in. He spent almost 10 minutes with me in his office entering info into his computer (about another patient), returning texts from someone at the hospital, and ever so briefly looking at my chart. Less than 5 minutes in the exam room, and he did less than my primary would have done! I had to bring up the constipation (which was the entire reason for the visit) and he told me it was probably my diet. Ummmm, I get over 30 grams of fiber daily, drink plenty of water, avoid all the "bad" stuff, get lots of exercise, and I STILL have a problem! Oh yeah, and I take 4 stool softeners a day and drink Senna tea (laxative) at night. So, what gives? Well, he told me to take MiraLax, and gave me some samples. O-Kayyyy. I think I'll wait and speak to the bariatric surgeon when I see him in 2 weeks. If I get nowhere with him, it may be tiime to find a new GI guy--preferably one who is local (he's 45 minutes away) and doesn't have the bedside manner of a sand flea.
In the past few days I've seen several people who haven't seen me since I started losing again. They have been quite shocked at the change in me! And honestly, I'm enjoying hearing the "WOW, you look great!" comments. At our church picnic Sunday, several people said "hey, skinny" (and they see me every Sunday). And I was wearing SHORTS!! Hey, it's been 90+ degrees for 4 days, you bet your boots I'm wearing shorts. I found some nice ones in my closet, so I've been wearing them, and I don't think they are too bad. I also found a bathing suit. Hopefully I'll get the OK from the doctor to go in the pool.
So, I've been thinking about vacation. How is this going to work, with my eating and all? I know I won't have nearly as much control as I do here at home, and my choices will be much more limited. I'll be eating in restaurants and on a cruise (and then later in Scotland, on a train). I still plan to write down everything I eat, but I won't be entering it on SparkPeople since a)I won't have my computer and b) too many things will be stuff I can't calculate accurately. I'm not going to go crazy, but I will allow myself to relax a bit. It's a bit scary, but I really believe I will succeed. I just hope things don't get emotional with family issues and cause me to want to eat in frustration. I don't think that will happen--for starters, my family is pretty good, and also I've learned to control the emotional eating pretty well in the past 6 months. But hey, close quarters and all...I guess I'll just take things as they come. It will be a good experiment with the real world! I won't have access to my support groups here, but I can always call my BFF and vent to her! Or go exercise! The boat has a fitness center, and I'm sure there's an elliptical in there. Guess I should bring a set of gym clothes!
I started with my personal trainer yesterday. I really like her. I worked hard, did some stuff I've never done. But today I am fine--no aches and pains left over from the workout. I have a feeling she is going to be a huge help to me! I'm really looking forward to my session tomorrow.
My 12 year old said something interesting yesterday. She said "I like you better skinny like this, Mommy". I asked her why, since I'm still the same me as when I was 60 pounds heavier. But she insisted I'm better this way. I know people on the "outside", who don't really know me, treat me differently now than they did when I was heavier. And when I think about it, *I* treat me differently. I no longer look at my body with loathing. I no longer am drawn directly to my worst figure flaws. Instead, I notice what looks good. I love lying on my back and feeling my hip bones sticking up. I love to see my collarbones. Even my legs, which truly are my worst feature, are looking better these days! Maybe it's all a matter of perspective, but I am really starting to LIKE what I see!
It's amazingly freeing to actually like yourself, to feel comfortable in your own skin. It's a new feeling for me, and I'm enjoying it.