January 22, 2009 (Warning--LONG!!)

I wish someone would explain to me why it is that the people who are supposed to love you the most are the ones that hurt you, and the people you barely know are the ones who make you feel better?
I've been really down lately. The whole tooth mess has taken a toll on me, and even though I got back to the gym yesterday, and will go again tomorrow, my food intake is still way off. Without going into the topic of politics, suffice it to say that Tuesday was a VERY difficult day for me. And my upcoming surgery is looming large. All of this conspires to make me want to just climb in bed, pull the covers over my head, and stay there.
Tonite, despite a total lack of desire on my part to do anything that involved leaving my house, I went to the monthy WLS support group meeting at a local hospital. I really didn't want to go, but I'd promised my nutritionist (who leads the group) to put in an appearance. I'm so glad I went. Somehow, I always come away with so much from these meetings. For starters, I ALWAYS learn something new. Tonite I heard about some supplements that might help me, as well as the fact that one of my meds should be taken in chewable form, not the capsules I've taken for years.
But more than that, I have learned that sharing my story, and my success, with others actually does more for ME than it does for them. Hearing a bunch of people tell me I'm an inspiration is great for my ego. Having a woman tell me that I was the reason she went ahead and had her surgery despite the fears--well, that just blew me away! Especially as I tried to figure out who the heck she was. It wasn't until she passed around her before picture that I recognized her from the meetings last spring--she's lost about 75 pounds and looks SO different!
As I spoke to a woman who will have her surgery on Tuesday, I realized that I do have something important to offer. I am a successful long term post-op patient! I've been where they are. I've done what they are doing. And I've succeeded. That gives them hope that they can succeed too, which of course, they can! I also get to tell them about SparkPeople and what a great help it's been to me. One of the girls in the group is on Sparks, and agreed with my great endorsement of the site.
I walked out with others from the group, chatting as we headed to our cars. I promised to pray for Dale, having her surgery on Tuesday. I said goodbye and assured them that I will be at the March meeting. And I will, because I NEED to be there. To give and receive encouragement and support that is so important for my success.
On the way home, I talked to my mom on the phone. We were talking about my sister, and I got very upset. My sister lives in Turkey. We are very close--at least I THOUGHT we were. When I scheduled my surgery for next week, and knew that she would be coming to the States in January or February, I asked if she could come and stay with me for a few days after surgery to help out. She agreed, and told me she would be here until the 11th or 12th. I sent her an email asking if she could extend that to the 15th. She didn't respond, and I didn't think about it again.



Until I got her travel plans and learned that she is NOT staying until the 12th, she's going back on the 5th! Before I even get out of rehab! So much for her promise to come stay with me for a few days. So, um, now what do I do? My kids are 12 and 13--they can't take care of me. I really, really do NOT want to hire a live-in helper. My kids don't like that, and neither do I. And I don't need constant help anyway. My mom will come for a night or 2, IF there is no snow or ice. She has serious orthopedic issues, and will not leave her house if there is any chance she might slip and fall (which she did several years ago and destroyed her rotator cuff). I understand this.
Anyway, my sister arrived on Saturday. On Sunday I went and spent the day with her. On Monday she came down here to get her stuff from my storage unit (she's rented one of her own), and to get her packages from my dining room, where they've been piling up for months. (she always oreders a ton of stuff online, and has it sent here). We had a nice visit, and she went back to her hotel near my parents' house. We had found a cute little Middle Eastern restaurant here in town, and made plans for lunch this Sunday with her husband and kids (who arrived tonite). My kids have been so excited to see Uncle Toni and their cousins, and keep asking when they will see them.
Well, they won't. I got an email from my dad today inviting us for Sunday brunch, which we can't do because it's during church, and I sing on the Praise Team, so I am committed to be there. Apparently my sister is having Turkish guests for the weekend and they have to leave on Sunday afternoon, so they decided to do brunch so they could all get together. Umm, hello? What happened to our lunch plans? Why am I hearing this from my dad instead of my sister? And how the heck do I tell my kids? "Gee, sorry, I guess we just aren't important enough. They flew 5000 miles to come to NJ, but they just don't have time to come the last 20 miles." Apparently their guests are coming tomorrow, so the entire weekend is taken up with that. Monday my kids are in school all day, and my daughter has an orthodontist appointment at night (which I rescheduled from this week so I could see my sister!) And they leave Tuesday for Punta Cana. Yes, while I'm having major surgery, my sister will be sunning herself on a tropical beach. They come back the following Monday, and return to Turkey that Thursday. I don't imagine there will be time to visit me at rehab, since the last few days are always a frenzy of shopping. And even if they do manage to find time to see me, my children won't be there! They will be here at home, staying with their father. Which means they will not see their uncle and cousins this trip.
So I've just been thrown aside. And that hurts. A lot. But now my kids have been thrown aside too. And that makes me MAD! Poop all over my head if you have to, but don't you mess with my babies!
I don't really know how to handle this. I have no desire to discuss it with my sister, since I hate confrontation of any time. All I know is, it's making me want to eat chocolate. I did have a few M&Ms, but they just turned my stomach. Maybe that's a good thing.
It just occurred to me that maybe all of this is becuase my sister is jealous. She's always been the skinny sisiter, usually by 200 pounds or more. But now she outweighs me by 50 pounds or so. Her husband said I looked like Jennifer Lopez. I know she is sensitive about her weight. Growing up, she was not very nice to me about my weight. I would NEVER do that to her. I have avoided any gloating, commenting, or anything that could be seen as "lording it over her". I've even held back on sharing some of my success with her, in an effort to not offend her. But maybe she really can't handle my success, which maybe she sees more as her failure. I don't know.
So anyway, surgery is a week away. I have so much to do to get ready. Shopping, cooking, packing, rearrangeing. Getting myself mentally prepared. Making sure the kids are taken care of with their activites. Meanwhile, Tracey will go with me to surgery, as usual. She will be the one in the waiting room. She will be the one getting me settled into my room after recovery. She will be the one who stays overnight so she can see me again the next day before heading home--to take my kids for the weekend. Thank GOD for Tracey! If not for her, I'd be doing this whole thing alone. As it is, I will have no visitors after the first day after surgery, until I get to rehab. NYC is just too far and too inconvenient for my family to get to. (They are a little over an hour away) The plan is for me to do rehab in the town where my parents and Tracey live. At least that way they can visit. If I can't go there for rehab, I will likely be far enough away that I will not have visitors the entire week, with the possible exception of Tracey. That would be the pits.
It's taken years for me to learn how to ask for, and accept, help from others. I was always the strong one. I could take care of myself. I was always the one to do for others, to help whenever it was needed. Tracey finally pointed out that it was pretty selfish of me to deny others the pleasure of helping me! So now I ASKED for help. And the door was closed in my face.
Am I feeling sorry for myself? Maybe a little. I just know that if someone in my family was having this surgery, I'd move heaven and earth to be there for them. I'd open my home to them for recovery (more practical than having to leave my kids--I'm a single mom afer all!) I'd do whatever it took. Am I not worth the same?