What Other People Think

I really thought it didn't matter to me anymore. If someone doesn't like me, oh well. The only opinions that mattered were people I care about.

WRONG!!! The fallacy of that belief hit me upside the head today.

Just yesterday I'd been glowing with the compliments and congratulations I've been getting from people at the gym for doing this triathalon. Plus, lots of nice comments about how great I look. Hey, a little encouragement is a good thing, right.

Well, that works both ways, apparently.

This morning in my Fitball class, I was talking with an older woman who is also doing the Biggest Loser challenge. We were discussing the triathalon and what we'd done so far. I mentioned that I had done the 50 laps yesterday. She said "did you see that woman who was walking?" I asked what she meant, and she said "some woman was doing the laps but she wasn't swimming all of it--she walked halfway and then when she couldn't touch anymore she swam, and then walked again." She said she thought that was cheating. I told her that the fitness guru lady had said it didn't matter how you did the laps--swim, doggie paddle, float, walk, run, whatever, as long as you did 50 laps. She said she still thought it was cheating because it made it easy.

I don't know if she knew I was that woman. I think she didn't, and was voicing a genuine opinion. My friend thinks she knew exactly who it was, and was being snarky. But it doesn't matter if she knew or not. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I spent the entire Fitball class wondering if maybe I should go back and swim the 50 laps again, swimming the entire way. And maybe I should redo the 8 mile walk because I did most of it on the elliptical and that's not fair either (even though the fitness guru lady said it was OK.)

The whole thing really sunk my mood. I had been feeling so proud of myself for what I'd done, and now I felt like a fake. I talked to my Mom and my BFF, and they both said I did nothing wrong, and that what I did certainly counted. Then I talked to my friend who is my massage therapist, and she really set me straight.

She pointed out that I am not doing this to compete against other people. I am doing it for ME. I am pushing myself harder than I ever have. I did the elliptical for twice as long as I ever did before. I did 50 laps in the pool, regardless of HOW I did it, which I haven't done since I was 18. I set a goal to lose 15 pounds, and I may or may not have reached that goal. But it was all about doing MY best. If someone had told me 2 months ago that I would do a triathalon of ANY type, I'd have laughed in their faces.

The truth is, I'm 49 years old, I've had 2 double knee replacements, I have arthritis from head to toe. I spent most of my life as a massively obese couch potato. For me to participate in ANY of this is a miracle! So I can't do 8 miles on the treadmill because it would destroy my knees. Fine, I did it on the ellliptical (with approval from the "boss"). So swimming 50 laps was too much for my arms. Fine, I did a walk/swim combo instead. I still did the 50 laps. I still pushed myself farther than I'd gone before.

So what if someone else doesn't think I did it the right way? I did it MY way--the way that was right for ME. That doesn't take anything away from anyone else. It's just me, doing the best I can with what I've got. I think I have a right to be proud of myself. What someone else thinks shouldn't matter.